Well, surgery day is here. I need to be at UIC in around 4 hours. They asked me to be there at 5am. I can’t sleep for the life of me. It’s 1:45am and I am just completely restless. Alex is sleeping, Timur is sleeping, Autumn is sleeping, but I- the patient!- am not. UGH!
The feeling of this day and the day before surgery is almost indescribable, but I’m going to try my best anyway. Yesterday/day before surgery was very hazy and flew by. I barely ate anything… had zero appetite. My nervousness has been growing. All these questions have arisen. Pretty sure it’s because of what a huge step and lifestyle change this is, and I’m also pretty sure it’s perfectly normal to feel the way I do. Some of the questions that have been floating around my head are “am I really ready for this?”, “am I really ready to commit to life after surgery and all of the long term struggles?”, and “am I making a mistake?”. This is going to sound extremely paranoid, but by now you all already know I have anxiety so I’m just gonna say it anyway…. what if I die? I never considered myself to be afraid of death, but faced with a surgery that HAS claimed (very few) lives, I can’t deny my fear. I know it sounds ridiculous and irrational to most people, but it’s eating away at me. I’m strongly fighting the urge to write love letters (/emails) to everyone I love. I’m not doing so because I don’t want to freak them out royally. I’m sure it will all be okay— but knock on wood just in case anyway.
Since yesterday, this has all become extremely real. I started this process 7 months ago, and when I say it’s flown by, I mean that more than you could understand. Now that it’s here, all of the fear and other emotions I’ve been fighting/hiding are coming out. Not to mention, I’ve been really…. really really really really missing my mom. She would be holding my hand through everything, and it’s hurting my heart that she’s not here for this. Alex and Timur are doing a great job of holding my hand too, but it’s not the same. I will say, however, they lessen the pain tremendously (so does Autumn!!). My sister, brother, and dad are there for me completely emotionally as well, but Alex and Timur are physically with me every step of the way. It’s incredible, I often ask God what I did to deserve the people in my life. Alex reminds me constantly how much he loves me. When I say it back, I say it with every inch of honesty and integrity I have in me. He is my eternity. Everything I ever wished for, everything I ever prayed for. Timur is also there for me through it all. He is my best friend soul mate. We were put on this earth to become family. I can honestly say, if we stopped being so close, I would be shattered. My blood family put a lot of my puzzle pieces together, but I would never be complete without Timur, Alex, and Autumn. They have made me whole.
My sister is literally un-freakin-believable! As usual, she drops everything to help me and be at my side. Side note— When I would get pissed at Katie in the past, my mom would say “whether you’re mad at her or not, if anything happened to you she would come running.” This has always been the truth. I consider myself to be an extremely loyal person, and I honestly feel a huge part of that was learning it from Katie. The reason I bring her up is because today is going to be very long, hard, and tiring for everyone. Especially her. She took two days off work and offered to watch Autumn so the boys could go to the hospital with me. She is waking up at 4:30am to watch Autumn when she already has her hands full with an almost-9-month-old (my beautiful niece Grace). Then, after what’s sure to be a looooooong day with two young kiddos, she’s visiting me at the hospital. She even wanted to sleep over so I’m not alone, but the hospital doesn’t allow sleepover’s 😦
I also spoke to my dad and brother today, which was really amazing for me. My dad was uplifting as usual. Made me feel much more calm and reassured me that this is all going to work out. He has a way about him that always makes me feel more confident and just all around better. Spoke to my brother later on at night, and he cried. He’s a little worried I think. He doesn’t know this (well, he might NOW), but I cried too when we got off the phone. Not sad tears. It was a great reminder of how connected we are even when we are thousands of miles apart. It’s an amazing feeling to have that connection, because I love him and look up to him tremendously. My family is always with me. Between Josh, Katie, my dad, and my mom, it’s no wonder I am in love with my life and live such a happy existence. It all started with them. The originals. My support system since before I can even remember.
Those didn’t mean to come off as “I love you” letters (/emails) LOL. It’s just that this blog is about me, and they are all a huge part of me. On this day I am very emotional, and I have been thinking about these incredible people so much. It felt good to express that on here.
Okay back on track. Here’s what my day will look like:
-At 3:50am I have to take the shower with the anti-bacterial soap they gave me.
-At 4:10am I have to get everyone ready to go.
-At 4:30am we have to leave the house for my sisters.
-Drop Autumn off at Katie’s by 5am.
-Be at hospital by 5:30am.
-Surgery probably won’t even start until 8-9am.
I think you guys can guess the rest. I will definitely do an update soon to let you know how my first couple days of post-op goes. I am nervous, excited, anxious, worried, happy, etc, etc, etc. Above all, I’m just praying this all turns out okay and for the best.
Sorry for the extremely long rant (again). Wish me luck!!
Love to all,
Heighest Weight (pre op): 330
Surgery Weight: 310
“Expect nothing and appreciate everything.”- Unknown
“Family- where life begins, and love never ends.”- Unknown
“Friends become our chosen family.”- Unknown
“People come and go, but once in a while you meet someone who is supposed to be in your life and your heart goes ‘Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you.’ You’ve found a member of your tribe.”- Unknown
“Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.”- Unknown
^^^Day of the “Unknown”, to honor my fear of the unknown.